did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
