atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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