um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
