He disabled his match.com account in front of me
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
