After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
