You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
