I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
