you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
