You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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