if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
