Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
this beer tastes like vomit already
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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