So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
