I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
