Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
