May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
