I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
