did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
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An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
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We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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