I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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