There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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