New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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