I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
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He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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