he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
