Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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