and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
