I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
