I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
