she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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