I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
