The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize