So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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