i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
