On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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