god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think i got beer on your cat.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
