We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize