me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
