I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
