She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
