nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
