You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
