Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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