The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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