I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
