my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
