I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
