How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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