Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
even my farts smell like vagina
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't deserve a penis
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
