i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
