Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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