do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
