took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
