Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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