I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
