I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
What a dumb baby whore.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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