totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
