I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
