He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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